not moving........for now

well i am at peace with my anxiety and such now i don't know weather my medication finally kicked in or came to my senses and figured out that i was running away from the problem or what but after long discussion with the hubby we decided not move . now i know for weeks i have been excited to move but then i was giving myself anxiety at the same time maybe i thought moving would give me a new life or would solve all my problems instead of facing them but it just caused me more stress and anxiety and you know what ? As soon as i decided not to move all the anxiety just lifted away and i felt better maybe i should listen to my thoughts more often . and now after we told the landlord we were not moving she want's to fix things now if i can just get my apartment reorganized  that will be another thing i also have been thinking i need to get help with my issues and not hide behind them maybe i can get out more , go for walks to make myself feel better in times of stress. I did a while back join this adult day progam for people with mental health issues called partnership place and i have started to feel better about things but odsp disability not giving me and hubby enough to live on is an issue we have a hard time making every day needs but transportation is a problem the bus being at $3.25 a ride makes it hard but i am working on getting transportation just i got the form filled out almost 3 months ago and i have a problem remembering to bring it in. my doctor unfourtently only put it for 3 months so i guess i will bring that one in and then get another filled out but still i feel like a dufus  not bring it in the first place

well i guess that all for now until next time

anxiety over finding an apartment

lately i have been having anxiety over looking for an apartment i have alot of issues about no moving but not being able to find one i only have 2 more weeks until the end of the month when my 60 days is up and i have to vacate this apartment but all i can find is basment apartments . To me basment apartments feel like one of these

yes a dungeon no light ( or very little) no natural light tiny windows being underground and having a feeling of no escape. I once lived in a basement apartment it was horrible which is why i have anxiety over basement apartments in the first place the one i lived in had very little storage ( being a semi hoarder this was no good for me) it also was very cold all year round like a freezer (very little heat coming out of the vent)  there was mildew and mold and it was way too small for my and hubby sometimes i felt i could never escape. After moving out of there i vowed never to live in a basement again i'm scared that i may have to now i have been trying to find a place but every time i try to get one i'm too late. Now the pressure is on to find a place i need a nice place where i will feel safe like this

hopefully okay i may be dreaming here but i do not want a dingy basement apartment like this

or this

because these type of basement apartments make me feel like i'm living here

okay i know basement apartments can't all be that bad i have seen some horrible ones and live in a horrible one but if i had to i want a nice one one that will feel like home make me feel safe not give me anxiety about it like this one

or this one

probley wont happen but i can't think like that i could find one like that but i just like the view from my place i wont have that in a basement makes me sad in a way 

all i can do is pray and let god guide the way !!!

until next time everyone 

my first post

hello everyone

i thought i would start a personal blog about me and my life as a plus size girl the struggles and the happy moments in my life and i will also post things that make me happy like crafts etc...

i suffer from depression and anxiety i also have ocd (obsessive compulsive disorder ) and a learning disability this makes life hard but i manged to get married to my wonderful husband sam in 2006

me and sam june 10th 2006

i have my ups and downs every day but most days are good i think my depression started in high school as i was a big girl back then my life was pure hell i got made fun of everyday also my parents loosing our house did not help and had to move to toronto as i had no where to live but now i can finally deal with these problems.

me and hubby sam and our neice ashlely in 2007 living in toronto (hubby hates his photo taken that why he made the face )

i have a twin sister who i love very much we are idencial twins and she is not just my twin but my best friend we were born on sept 13 1982 were 5 minutes apart she has always been there for me i never want to loose her even when i was living in toronto she would come all the way from brampton to visit me i love my sister so much and nothing will change that

me and lenora june 10th 2006

my mom and dad are also always there for me they have helped me in so many ways i owe them for everything before all my depression problem and everything we were such a loving great family we still are but now i'm married not so close anymore but our relationship is getting better especially with my mom we used to fight like crazy now we have an even stronger relationship

my mom and me on my wedding day 

and my dad always understanding always there to talk when i need a problem 

me and dad on my wedding day

i love both my parents so much i hope we are always close as a family

 my mom and dad on my wedding day

all 3 of us

all of us as a family including hubby :)

now me and hubby are trying for a baby now this has been a challenge my cycle has never been regular so its very hard to predict ovulation we have been trying since march of 2011 and i hope 2012 will be the year to have our baby, i have been collecting baby stuff since we got married so hopefully we will.

well that all about me i hope i did not bore anyone my next post should be more exciting 

until next time :)